I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
