Just fell off a train. Bad.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
