I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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