you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
