i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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