you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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