If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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