im about as happy as oj after his trial
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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