I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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