Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
They are going to name an STD after you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
