I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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