If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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