Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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