I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Panties = found
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
