i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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