you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
