Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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