just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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