What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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