now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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