I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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