get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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