I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
