dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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