checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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