ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
