We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
