i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
