Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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