her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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