I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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