Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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