Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
