oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
