do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
