Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
