Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
