it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I will be naked everywhere
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
