I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
