i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
