I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
