I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
