i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
