It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
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Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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