bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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