ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I sprained my soul last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
