Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sorry about my life...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
