I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
