Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
