Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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