And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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