I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
