drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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