yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
ttyl tear gas
Rumble strips road head = magical
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
