Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
