i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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