the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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